例二: 改前:Your school really inspires me. The students were friendly and the campus is amazing. Plus, I like cold weather. I can really see myself going there. 这所大学让我很受鼓舞,同学们都很友好,校园美到令人惊讶 。而且我喜欢寒冷的天气(学校天气严寒) 。
我能看见自己进入大学的情景 。点评:太泛——几乎每一所大学都能鼓舞学生,许多学生都很友好 。
看不到申请者的特别理由,不能说服招生官录取你 。改后:I introduced myself to some of the students who were on their way to Dr. Gruber's psych class. As we walked across the quad they told me how exciting his lectures were and how much they liked him as a teacher. My high school psych course really made me want to learn more about psychology, and if I'm admitted, the first class I'm signing up for is Dr. Gruber's. 通过师兄师姐了解到某心理学教授的课很精彩,这个教授很受学生喜欢 。
而自己高中修过一些心理学预备课程,想大学修心理学课程 。如果被学校录取,一定会选这个教授的课 。
分析:这个回答就带上了鲜明的个人特点 。用具体的事例将自己和学校联系起来 。
通过展示对学校某一教授及其课程的兴趣,让招生官看到如果该生获得录取后将怎样融入大学生活 。例三: 改前:During the campus tour, my guide gave me a great inside view of the University. He told me about the school culture, and I knew this was the place for me. 在参观校园时,导游给我介绍了学校文化, 。
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